I am wildly, stupidly in love with my wife, Nicole

If you hang around me at all, you know that, too. Because I just can’t stop talking about her. Over the nearly two decades of marriage we’ve enjoyed, we’ve been asked by numerous people what our “secret” is. And you’re about to get those secrets—for free, mind you. What a deal!

But before I share our best tips on the subject, allow me to share one bit of wisdom—a “foreword,” so to speak—first.

There’s no silver bullet to a happy marriage

You might be hoping for me to share some magical silver bullet to cultivating and maintaining a healthy marriage. Instead, what you’ll find here is a collection of ideas and tips that we’ve gained over our entire marriage. In other words, there’s no singular secret here. Like anything worth pursuing, a healthy, happy, and always-improving marriage takes intentionality and work. It’s fun work, in my mind, but it’s work nonetheless. You don’t create a happy marriage on accident.

With that in mind, allow me to dive right into sharing some of our best tips on the subject—tips on romance, service, partnership, humility, respect, spirituality, and more.

Never stop dating

If you’re already married (which I’ll assume as I write the rest of these tips), you most likely fell in love with your spouse while dating. So why would you ever stop that?

Nicole and I have prioritized dating since our very beginning. We have enjoyed date night for nearly all of our marriage once a week. Even when our children were newborns, we would prioritize getting out of the house together, even if only for a quick dinner before Nicole had to return to feed our children.

Date nights don’t always have to be “romantic,” per se, or even expensive, but prioritizing one another and your connection together is essential. Don’t stop dating.

Encourage and support her friendships

Just as much as your time together 1-on-1 is important, her time with friends is just as important. Make sure you’re helping her prioritize the opportunity to spend time with her friends, even (and especially) if that means the opportunity to go out of town with them and enjoy girls trips when she can. A husband who cares about his wife’s friendships is a husband cares for his wife. When she gets time with her friends, she’ll come back even happier to spend time with you and your family.

P.S. I believe this is extra important when you have kids.

Give her time to herself

In our marriage, Nicole is the introvert. As a 100% extrovert on the scale of extroversion, this was a difficult one for me to appreciate early on in marriage. In fact, I even got my feelings hurt on numerous occasions when Nicole would ask for time to herself. But I eventually learned it wasn’t about her not wanting to spend time with me—she just needed to recharge her batteries and get some time alone.

Everyone can benefit from some time alone, though some people need it more than others. Knowing that about your spouse can be incredibly helpful. I think I get it now. Mostly. 😉

Always say “Please” and “Thank you”

Again, marriage is a gift. With that—and general human kindness—in mind, it’s imperative we treat our spouses with the respect and gratitude they deserve. Nicole and I try to always, always, always say “Please” and “Thank you.” Whether it’s her asking me to do something around the house, or me thanking her for folding the laundry, we believe it’s essential to not let the “daily” actions go unnoticed or unappreciated. We even say “Please” and “Thank you” before and after we make love. Why wouldn’t we?

In my mind, these small words are huge signals about the health of a marriage. Not only that, but I believe they’re pointers to the future health of a marriage. The more respect and gratitude we show for even the most “mundane” actions, the happier we’ll be long-term. Thank you for giving this tip your effort.

Know your love languages

If you haven’t read The 5 Love Languages book by Gary Chapman, you’ve probably heard about the concept by now. I don’t think you have to read the book to “get” the concept, and even the website provides a quick assessment to discover your personal love language.

For Nicole, she receives love primarily through words of affirmation, followed by quality time—though she primarily gives through acts of service. On my end, I primarily give and receive through quality time, followed by words of affirmation. Knowing these truths about ourselves helps us give and receive love to one another in the ways that the other person feels most loved. It’s a helpful tool that can really help make sure you don’t miss one another in your marriage, doing things for the other person that don’t make them feel as cherished as they should be. Speak their language.

Do the dishes (or whatever task she dislikes)

Though Nicole’s love language may not primarily be acts of service, who doesn’t love when someone does something for you that you can then skip? Nicole doesn’t mind being the head chef in our house, for example, but she really doesn’t like doing dishes that much. That’s fine by me, because it’s a way I can serve her and our family. So, after she’s made a good meal, I’ll jump on dish duty.

Whatever it is your spouse doesn’t like doing, whether it’s scheduling appointments, making meals, doing the laundry, driving kids around town, etc., it’s helpful for you to find that out and see where you can take the load off of their plate. Of course, it’s not a 100% of the time thing—Nicole and I don’t mind switching off every now and again—but as a general tip, do the thing they don’t like to do. That’s love.

Order out

Like I said before, Nicole enjoys making meals. But sometimes, when I call her from work during the day or get a text in the afternoon, I can just tell when she’s pooped. It’s like husband radar. Those are the moments in which I can quickly and happily respond, “How about I order out tonight?” She sighs with relief.

I know not everybody can afford eating out all the time, so if that’s the case, try stepping in to handle dinner for the evening. Who cares if you’re not as good as a chef? In this case, it’s absolutely the thought that counts. And it’s another recipe toward a happy marriage.

Say “Yes” whenever you can

In the business world, many gurus will encourage that you default to “No” as an answer, so that you can stay focused on what’s most important. In the case of my personal life, though, there’s nothing more important to me than showing my spouse that I’m there to support her 100% of the time. So, when Nicole asks, I say “Yes” whenever I have the power to do so. In fact, I didn’t even realize how much I did this until, one time, a newly engaged couple was asking for our main advice. Nicole said that, after 10 years of marriage (at the time), she couldn’t remember a time when I had said, “No.” I was shocked.

Of course, sometimes it may require that I say, “I want to do that, but I can’t this moment. Give me a few minutes and I’ll get to it.” If it’s something bigger, I’ll try and put it on my calendar right then, so I don’t forget to attend to the task later. But if there’s a request in the moment, I try to jump to it.

If it’s in your power to say “Yes,” say it. And hold to it.

Seek her wisdom and counsel as a partner

There are all sorts of decisions to be made on a regular basis. Some bigger, some smaller. One of the best ways I believe we can value our partner is show them that we value their wisdom and counsel. Personally, I especially love to ask Nicole for prayer and that she would share anything she’s hearing and sensing on my behalf. It’s a way for me to demonstrate that I trust her, her wisdom, and her relationship with the Lord.

It doesn’t have to be “divine” wisdom, either. Just ask for your spouse’s opinion and counsel—and make sure to show that you appreciate what they’ve shared with you. Don’t just ask for it, either. Apply it. That’s wise.

Ask how you can be doing better

I have my dad to thank for this bit of wisdom. Ever since I can remember, he would ask me as a little boy, “How can I be doing better as a dad right now?” What a humble posture. This simple question creates such an opportunity to cultivate an always-improving relationship.

I’ve applied this approach to nearly every relationship in my life. As a dad, son, friend, employee, boss, and, yes, husband, I love to ask, “How can I be doing better?” Note, this question is not an opportunity to then respond, “Well, here’s how you can be doing better.” Some may ask in reciprocity, but most importantly, focus on what you can be doing better, here. You’ll learn something.

Figure out your part in the problem

If you’re in a loving relationship, there’s bound to be conflict at some point or another. Fortunately for Nicole and me, our conflict has been very minimal. But that’s not to say it will always be. We’re human, and I’m certainly not failure-proof.

So, let me share this tip as strongly as I can: Whatever problem or conflict arises in your marriage, care more about your part in the problem, not theirs. For emphasis, I’ll say it again: Focus on your failures above theirs.

If you work at applying this, I bet you’ll very quickly find a log in your own eye rather than caring about the speck in your spouse’s (Matthew 7:3-5). Even in the possible case that your part of a conflict or issue is only 5% and theirs is 95%, care more about the 5%. The more you intentionally and humbly express your concern for having any part in causing conflict, the less likely conflict will occur. It’s not always the case, but it’s a good rule of thumb. Try it out.

Apologize first

On the topic of figuring out your part of the problem, let’s talk apologies. But let me also be clear: I’m speaking entirely to husbands, here.

Guys, be the first to apologize. Even if it was a conflict in which both of you played a part, once again, care about your part in it and show your wife that you’ll take the first step to mend the wounds and ask for forgiveness. Be quick to—and sincere as you—apologize. In my mind, this tip is essential.

Vacay, staycay, anycay

Date nights are great, but they’re not enough, either. Even if your love language isn’t quality time, it’s important to get some extended time together, without work or other daily routines getting in the way of some rest and relaxation. Everyone needs time away.

Again, I know that vacations may not be as financially feasible for many families. If that’s the case, make it a staycation and try to find a family member or friend to watch your kids while you enjoy some in-town, extended time together. Nicole and I have prioritized many vacations together—at least one a year—but we’ve just as frequently enjoyed nearby getaways where we can enjoy a weekend without kids, just us.

If you put in the work and planning to get time away, you’ll be grateful you did. And your love will be richer for it.

Speak life over her and into her

Proverbs 18:21 reads, “Death and life are in the power of the tongue, and those who love it will eat its fruits.” I treasure that passage, because in my experience, it’s true. The words we speak over—and into—our spouses are the life-giving nutrients that help our partners flourish more fully and fruitfully in all areas of life.

In my case, the primary way (i.e. love language) Nicole receives love is through words of affirmation, so it’s even more important for those of us who have spouses who receive love in this way to offer them love in this way. But regardless of your spouse’s love language, your words carry weight. Whether in written or oral form, it’s imperative you choose your words wisely and speak in ways that give your spouse life.

Praise her in front of others

Let’s stay on the topic of words for a moment and talk about where and when we share those words. Speaking life over and into someone is something we should do whether or not there is an audience, but if there is an audience, then why not take the stage and shine the spotlight on our spouses there, especially?

I love to praise Nicole in front of others, whether or not she’s around. In fact, I had one friend end up marrying his wife and telling me after he proposed that I was reason he ended up choosing to get married at all. He said, “I’ve never heard a negative word come out of your mouth about Nicole or marriage in general. Not one.” I was surprised, encouraged, and reminded how important it is to speak of marriage as the gift that it is—because it really is. People notice.

Whoever is around, don’t hesitate to praise your spouse, their traits, and their accomplishments in front of others. This is especially true if you have kids. Sing your spouse’s praises in front of your children, and you are fostering not only a happier marriage, but a safer home.

Go to therapy

Therapy is powerful. It may not be as stigmatized as it used to be, but some people still have a hard time admitting they need help. For others, it may simply be fearing the first step—or not even knowing who to contact. Whatever may prevent you from trying therapy on for size, though, it’s probably not worth it. Therapy helps.

Nicole and I have never engaged in couple’s therapy, but there was a period of time in which I recognized a pattern in myself that I didn’t think was healthy when Nicole and I experienced any conflict. The conflicts themselves were never about the same things, but I saw how I responded afterwards as being something that left me a bit bewildered and frustrated internally. So, I decided to go therapy and seek out answers as to why I was doing exactly that. Without getting into all the details, I can say that it helped a lot—and it was only a short-lived 12 weeks.

All that to say, therapy doesn’t have to be scary. It’s a helpful tool, and it’s important to treat it as such. It doesn’t solve everything, but if you’re willing to engage in digging into the harder stuff about yourself or your relationship, I believe you’ll come out better for it.

In short, I think this is a solid equation.

Recognize unhealthy patterns

Patterns aren’t always obvious, but let me fill you in on a little secret. If you’re experiencing a challenge of some sort, and you continue to experience that challenge in certain areas of or relationships in your life, there’s probably a common denominator: You.

Again, this goes back to looking for your part in the problem, as well as leveraging therapy to your advantage. Of course, not all problems may start with you, but if there’s an unhealthy pattern in you, your spouse, or your relationship, it’s important to address it head on. Get that schtuff outta there!

Call and text her

Know who I love talking to? Nicole. And though I spend most days at work, she’s always just a phone call or text message away. I just love her voice, but even a cutesy text message is fun to get, too. She makes me feel like a teenager in love. And I like getting mushy with my messages, too.

In full disclosure, I wasn’t always good about calling or texting. I would get distracted during the work days, and it would result in me losing track of time. My solution was to set an alarm on my phone, reminding me to check-in with her around halfway through my day. Eventually, it became instinctual.

Don’t wait until dinner. Ring ring.

Champion and support her dreams

I’ll admit it, I’m a fanboy. Nicole’s #1 fan club is led by yours truly, and I’m pleased to be a geek about it. Whatever it is she wants to do, I know she could do it. And it’s my pleasure to get to directly help her in some of those efforts, while serving simply as a cheerleader in others. Personally, her dreams have taken many forms over our nearly two decades together. Most recently, I’ve loved supporting her effort in launching and growing Stories of Color. But whatever it is, it doesn’t matter—I’m just pleased to get to support her dreams without reservation.

Get the pom-poms out, because your spouse deserves a cheerleading squad and you get to lead the way. If you don’t know what her dreams are yet, have the conversation and figure out a way to make it happen. That’s what partners are for.

Cultivate mutual interests and hobbies

Fortunately for Nicole and me, we share a lot of similar interests. We get mutually passionate about various topics. Of course, we don’t like all the same things together. I love games, and Nicole is ho-hum about them. She loves the outdoors, and I’m just not a huge, outdoorsy type. That said, we don’t mind being foodies together, geeking out about films, or traveling. Thank goodness.

Sometimes, it may take a while to find shared interests and hobbies. But I believe it’s super important to find them. I’ve seen some couples resist engaging in their spouses’ interests just because they “don’t get it” at first. But who knows, if you give it a try, maybe you will. Nicole and I are still trying to find new things we love doing together, even now. You can, too.

Be adventurous and shake things up

There’s comfort in falling back on what you know is tried and true as a couple. But guess what? There’s excitement in being adventurous and shaking things up, too. Nicole and I prefer adventure over the same ol’ same ol’, but whatever your proclivity, it’s worth trying.

Make a new meal. Try the weird restaurant. Travel to the destination where you don’t speak the language. Cultivate new friendships. Experiment in bed. Ask different questions of each other. There’s a whole host of opportunities, only limited by your indifference and lack of intentionality. Change it up and see what happens.

Co-create a mission

Years ago, Nicole and I co-created a family mission statement. Together, our family is on a mission to live and love freely. How we arrived at the mission is something I’ve written about elsewhere and will take too long to share about here. But what I can say is that it’s an exercise that’s well worth the effort. If you want to give this a try, read my write-up on how to write a family mission statement. Live your life together on purpose.

Serve others together

Whether it’s been through feeding the homeless, weekly hospitality to our church community, opening our home to others living with us, building houses for families in Mexico, serving children and individuals in the townships of South Africa, meeting the needs of others in practical ways, or something else entirely, one thing is certain—Nicole and I have grown closer as we’ve served others together. In our eyes, these are ways we get to serve Jesus, too—by being His hand and feet in the world.

Serving others is a fast-track way to enlarge your heart for not only the people you’re serving, but the person you’re serving alongside. In fact, it might even open your eyes to new aspects about them that make you fall more deeply in love with them. I love watching Nicole serve, and I know she loves watching me do the same. And that has served our relationship tremendously.

Dream together and ask, “What if…?”

What do you want to see happen in the next year, 5 years, or 20? What would happen if you started a business together? What would happen if you moved your family across town, across the country, or even across the world? What would happen if you did things differently—even really differently—than how you’ve seen other families do things?

Asking these types of questions can lead to significant conversations at the very least, and, perhaps even better, significant life changes. For Nicole and me, it’s led to drastic changes, such as living in other countries. But that’s not all, either. We regularly engage in these types of conversations, and if you try it out, I bet you’ll be surprised what you discover together.

Write poetry and songs

Writing words down can help nearly anyone process what they’re feeling. Poetry and songs are a great way to not only process, though—they’re a great way to express your love to your partner.

Ever since Nicole and I began our relationship, poetry has been something I’ve used over and again to try and share my heart with her. It doesn’t matter if you think you’re a good poet or not. You won’t get better without trying. Give it a whirl and see what happens. I think you’ll be surprised.

Engage in challenging conversations

You know what they are. There’s a topic that probably comes to mind, even now. Nicole and I have experienced our fair share of challenging conversations—but they always lead to us growing.

Of course, you have to use discernment about where, when, and how to broach certain topics with your partner. But the more you setup the opportunities to engage in conversations that might be challenging and seem daunting, the more you’ll be ready to approach anything together. Talk about the tough stuff.

Encourage differences of opinion

If you’re engaging in challenging conversations, you’re bound to discover areas in which you disagree. Some people—myself included, in the past—might experience concern when this happens. But in a healthy marriage, differences of opinion aren’t only to be expected, they’re to be encouraged. Find out where your spouse disagrees with you or holds a different perspective than you, ask questions, listen to them, and learn more.

The point of marriage isn’t to be carbon copies of one another. So stop trying to make them into your own image or think that you’ll be made into theirs automatically if they think differently than you.

Cry

Don’t hold back the tears. Show what moves you. Wear your heart on your sleeve. Cry speaking of how much you love your spouse. Let the tears come when your kids surprise you. And be sure to show your remorse—not in a manipulative way, but if it’s sincere—when you apologize.

I don’t cry at the drop of a hat around Nicole, but I certainly don’t fight off tears if I feel them come upon me naturally. Tears are outward demonstrations of your innermost love and compassion. So cry.

Form new traditions

Growing up, most families have traditions. When you get married, you have the choice to carry some of those traditions on, but perhaps more importantly, you have the opportunity to form new traditions as a new family unit. Nicole and I have enjoyed figuring this out throughout our marriage, from our first year together, all the way to when our kids have entered their teen years. We’re sure we’ll be arriving at new traditions when our grandkids enter the scene, too.

When do you eat dinner? Do you have any common questions to ask around the table? What do you do for the holidays? Are there any specific foods you make for certain celebrations? What movies do you watch together every year? What passages of scripture do you read on holy days? And so on. There’s no shortage to the possibilities of traditions you can form together. Celebrate.

Seek out community

As I’ve already made clear, I believe it’s important you encourage and help foster your wife’s friendships. But it’s just as important to look for community that you can enjoy as a family, too. Shortly after Nicole and I were married, we got together with a group of young married friends every other week for dinner, and we met faithfully until our kids were little. For over the last decade, Nicole and I have also been part of an organic church community, where we’ve experienced a great deal of Life.

Community is worth the hunt, so if you haven’t found one where you both feel like you belong, yet, be sure to stay on the hunt. Life is always best when shared.

Find heroes and role models

As much as community is imperative, it’s also helpful to find heroes and role models that you look up to as a couple. When Nicole and I were first engaged, we had a couple in our life that had been married nearly 20 years (which, on a side note, is about where we are now, so that’s weird!). They met with us while we were engaged for lunch and coffee, encouraging us in our journey as we approached marriage. Since that time, we’ve had several others—even some of our closest friends—whom we can look at and say, “We admire that aspect of their marriage.”

Having people you look up to is a great way to learn where you can keep improving your own marriage. It doesn’t have to be that you would model everything after someone else’s relationship, but looking for the specific areas that you might want to emulate is certainly recommended.

Establish fighting rules

This is a big one. When you’re married to someone for any amount of time, there’s bound to be conflict. It’s how you address that conflict which partially defines your marriage’s future.

For Nicole and me, we established fair fighting ground rules early on in our relationship—even before we were married, actually. The rules have grown over time, too. For example:

• Pray at the beginning and/or end of a difficult conversation

• If one of you needs time to process things, schedule when you’ll revisit the conversation together

• Hold hands or touch a leg while you’re talking about things

• Never say “Always” or “Never” when saying something about the other person

• Use words like “I feel like…” rather than making accusations about the other person’s motivations

• Assume the best intentions of the other person

• No yelling

As a general rule, it’s pretty difficult to let a fight end poorly if you follow these guidelines. In full disclosure, some of these are hard to maintain while you’re in the midst of things, but by knowing and documenting our rules, we can remind one another about them when things get tough. What are your rules?

Have many counselors in your life

Proverbs 15:22 says, “Without counsel plans fail, but with many advisers they succeed.” The same can be true in marriage plans as they can with any other type of plan. Nicole and I were fortunate early in our marriage to have those who were down the road from us, serving as role models—as I mentioned. But counselors go a step further than role models. You need to have them as part of your life in such a way that you can seek their feedback.

As a tip, it might be worth knowing that people love providing their thoughts on various matters. I’m not saying to ask everyone to be an adviser in your life. But in the areas where those around you have wisdom and influence, it’s worth asking them for their wisdom and knowledge on subjects that they have proven expertise—especially those who are discerning. Nicole and I have done exactly that, and we’re better for it.

Get good at the logistics together

There’s nothing sexy about the logistics of marriage or parenting. Sitting down and talking through budgets, sharing calls about who’s picking up who, and negotiating calendars is not fun. But—and it’s a big but—this is so imperative to making sure your life together is running smoothly that it’s an absolute must. You’re going to have to work at it over time, but the better you become at managing the must-dos of marriage, the easier it will become to enjoy the want-to-dos of marriage.

In my personal opinion, I think that a lot of spouses who aren’t doing this well together—and saying please and thank you as they do it—are those that suffer more immediately in the romance department. So make it a priority and give it a try. It’s a first order of business.

Stock up on cards and future gift ideas

I’m kind of spoiling one of my secrets here, but it’s for the greater good, so I might as well: I buy multiple cards at once. Usually at Target, but anywhere will do. They’re the “just because” or “thank you” cards, typically, but sometimes they’re a little more romantic than that. In any case, I often have some ready to go so that, when I’m feeling like it, I’m ready to pull one out, write out what’s on my heart and mind at the time, and show my extra appreciation for Nicole that day. Sometimes I’ll get some of her favorite candy and have that stocked up, too, ready to give to those to her on an evening that she’s having a tough day.

Similarly, if I see Nicole like something online or while we’re out and about, I’ll take pictures of those items (when she’s not looking, of course) so that I have a list of ideas ready to go when the next occasion arrives, whether that’s her birthday, Valentine’s, Mother’s Day, or Christmas.

Both of these tricks are little gestures, sure, but they show that I’m paying attention and always ready to show her that I love her. Because, if you didn’t get the gist already, I really do.

Work to find what works for you

The practice of continuous improvement is legitimately one of my best life hacks. But it’s not something that you need to reserve for a business context alone. In marriage, you’re a team, which is why it’s important to keep working on what works best for you.

Here’s the key: If you want to get better at being married, it won’t happen on accident. Love is not something that just “happens,” just as logistics aren’t. To get better at something, it requires reflection that results in action and change. So take action and keep working at what works for you. Spend time on a semi-regular basis talking through what’s working, what’s not, and what needs to change. You’ll only get stronger as a result.

Pray without ceasing

Early in our marriage, I remember reading the book, The Power of a Praying Husband. It was nothing revolutionary, but it was a helpful handbook. I really appreciated chapter one (you’ll have to read it to find out what I’m talking about). I wouldn’t say that I pray as much as I “could” or even “should” for Nicole, but I know that prayer is an essential ingredient to the health of the best marriages I know. And it’s certainly been a key ingredient to ours.

Pray together. Pray alone. Pray for your spouse’s days. For their health. For their dreams. For their friendships. For their emotions. For their everything. Pray in the evening. Pray in the morning. Pray in the afternoon. Never stop praying.

Chase after Jesus

While this may be listed last, it’s certainly not least. In fact, I would say it is the #1 most important thing you can do to foster a healthy, happy—and, yes, holy —marriage. What I know is that Jesus cares about my marriage even more than I do. He’s my model for loving my wife well. So as I pursue Him, and as I choose to live by the Life that He offers me, He does the heavy lifting. Truly. I could tell you about multiple times He’s given me insight and ideas on how to love my wife well.

There’s a million and one things I could say about this “tip” alone, but put simply, I’ll say this: Jesus Christ is Love incarnate, and as I seek to know Him better, I love everyone better—Nicole most of all. If you take only one tip from this list, this is the one.

tl;dr: Never stop falling in love

Honestly, I still get butterflies in my stomach around Nicole. I’m not lying. There are times that I still feel quite infatuated with her, like a teen in love.

But also, that doesn’t just happen on accident. I’ve committed to never stop falling in love with my bride. Our love story isn’t something that happened a long time ago—it’s still happening to this day. It’s an ongoing practice, day in and day out, to love my partner well and put her wants and needs before my own.

Here’s the secret, though: The more you do this, the easier it becomes. Give it a try. Love your mate to the best of your ability. What would happen if you gave it the same emphasis and focus that you give the areas of your life that are going great—whether that’s work, fitness, finances, or other areas?

Love is a choice. Choose wisely.